


You can't love a dead person

by Iwazumis_left_kneepad



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 02:16:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28592379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iwazumis_left_kneepad/pseuds/Iwazumis_left_kneepad
Summary: Iwazumi Hajame and Toru Oikawa angst.I wrote a double ending so you can choose if you want to read the happy or sad one :)TW eating disorders, depression, and self harm.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	You can't love a dead person

Oikawa’s POV  
“Iwa-Chan?” I whisper, softly tapping his shoulder. I know it is late, but I could use some comforting cuddles right about now. Some nights I am fine, but recently, I’ve been having nightmares at three or four in the morning, and I can’t fall asleep after them.  
“Why the fuck are you awake? It’s like 4,” Iwa complains. I glance over at the alarm clock beside our bed, and sure enough, it is 4:08 a.m.  
“I’m having nightmares,” I explain. I know it’s silly that I get all worried about such small things as bad dreams, but I can never shake what happens, then end up staying up the whole night assuring myself it was just a bad dream, and I’m over reacting.  
“I don’t care. Go to sleep, Dumbass,” Iwa says, pulling a pillow over his head. He clearly has no intention of listening to me at this hour.  
“Iwa-Chan, will you stay up and talk to me for a little bit? Please,” I say, pulling the pillow off of him “I just need to be with you right now,” I plead. Iwa must have already fallen asleep, because he doesn’t respond. Either that or he is just ignoring me. I sigh and tumble out of bed.  
Carefully, as to not run into anything in the dark, I make my way to the kitchen in our apartment. I reach over granite island turn on a small LED light that I installed for nights like this. Now that the kitchen is illuminated, I can find something to do until morning.  
It’s 4:12 now, so there isn’t any point in trying to go back to sleep. I have my first class at 7:30, so I have to be up by 6:00. It would take me at least an hour to fall back asleep, and by then, I would only get like 45 minutes of sleep. There’s hardly any point in that.  
“Guess I’ll go on a run,” I say to myself. I place a coffee filter in our coffee machine and set it to make 2 cups. I quietly sneak back into Iwa and my bedroom to grab a pair of running shorts and one of his t-shirts. I walk into our bathroom to change out og my PJs, and frown when I see myself in the mirror. I’ve had body issues for a while, but they have gotten worse since I’ve started college. I stand in the full length mirror, picking out my imperfections.  
I have broad shoulders, but my arm and back muscles aren’t very prominent, and I’m so skinny. “I need to work out more,” I tell myself. “That's the only way I can gain muscle weight.” My hair is a mess, but I don’t bother to comb through it, it will look bad either way. Despite spending a good amount of time in the sun, my skin is incredibly pale. I stare at myself in the mirror until the coffee machine starts beeping, indicating that it’s done brewing. I toss Iwa’s shirt over my skinny frame, and pull on the running shorts I grabbed earlier.  
As I walk into the kitchen, I eye a blueberry muffin on the counter, but decide not to eat it. “You haven’t even worked out yet. No eating until you finish your run.” I pour myself a cup of coffee, and drink it, leaving the other cup for when I get back.  
I grab my phone off the charging station in the living room, and put my tennis shoes on. I scribble a note down explaining that I couldn’t sleep and I’m going on a run on a receipt from last week and leave it on the kitchen table for when Iwa wakes up.  
With that, I jog down the stairs of our apartment building and down the street. Iwa and I live on campus, so whenever I go on morning runs, I usually just jog around downtown for an hour or so.  
“Damn it!” I say to myself. I must have forgotten my earbuds at home. I’m already about a mile away, so I decided that I’ll just run without music. I hate running without music because it gives me nothing to distract myself with. I am just alone with my thoughts.  
My mind goes back to the nightmare I had a few hours ago. I was with Iwa in the volleyball gym back at Aoba Johsai. We were playing against Nekoma, and it was match point. It was Nekoma’s serve, and Kuroo was up. He served it over, and Watari passed it to me, but when I went to set it, my hands didn’t move. I don’t know, but I couldn’t set it. The ball dropped and my whole team looked at me, disappointed.  
Iwa was furious, he scolded me for letting the set drop, and yelled that the team would better off without me. He explained that the only reason he was dating me was because it made me perform better in games, but since I did so bad, he thought it wasn’t even worth it. Iwa had broken up with me, and no one on the team would talk to me. I was alone.  
Around mile 2, I start to feel out of breath and have a headache. I’m tempted to slow down, but I have to maintain an 8 minute mile pace for volleyball anyway, so I need to keep going. The sun still hasn’t risen, but the moon is setting, so I imagine it will be light out within an hour or so.  
My lungs start to burn and I feel dizzy. “Just a quick break, then I’ll keep running.” I tell myself. I stop by a lamp post to stretch and catch my breath, but stumble as I jog up to it. I panic as my vision blurs. I can’t see it happening, but I feel myself falling.

Iwa’s POV  
Oikawa’s alarm goes off and I groan. It's too early to be awake. Oikwawa has classes at 8, but mine don’t start until 9:30, so I don’t have to wake up early in the morning.  
“Turn it off damnit!” I groan. I flail my arm to slap Oikawa, but it only hits his pillow. Noticing that he isn’t in bed with me, I reluctantly force myself to get out of bed and investigate the situation. I dismiss his alarm, and walk into the kitchen, still in my PJs.  
At first, nothing jumps out at me in the kitchen. However upon closer inspection, the light on our island was left on. As I walk over to turn it off, I notice a note scribbled on the back of a grocery receipt.

Couldn’t sleep. Gone on a run.  
Love,  
Oikawa  
Oikawa’s note reminds me of our late night encounter. I feel bad for ignoring him, but I need sleep. What was wrong again? He had a bad dream? That sounds about right.  
I glance over at the microwave to check the time. It’s almost 7. I thought it was 4 when he woke up, surely he hasn’t been on a run this whole time. Oikawa has stamina, but there’s no way he could keep a sub eight minute mile up for over two hours, and I know he won’t slow his pace. He’s somewhat compulsive about his running. Always in the morning, and always faster than an eight minute mile. If he has really been running this whole morning, he would have gone almost fifteen miles by now.  
I decide to call him to check in. I grab my phone off of our charging station, and dial his number. His phone rings for several tones before he picks up.  
“Where are you?” I demand  
“Hello? Is this Tōru Oikawa’s significant other?” A female voice asks. The question catches me off guard, I suppose I am his boyfriend, but I’m not really one for public displays of affection, so we usually just act like friends in public.  
“Yeah.” I reply  
“Tōru Oikawa is currently in The Hospital of Buenos Aires. Some nice girl found him unconscious on the sidewalk this morning and called an ambulance for him. We believe the cause of his incident was low blood sugar, but we are still running tests to figure that out. He is in stable condition, but he’s unresponsive,” the female voice explains.  
“Unresponsive? You mean like he passed out?” I ask.  
“Exactly, he was brought into our hospital at 5:12 this morning and hasn’t been conscious since we got him.” the female voice says.  
“I’m coming to the hospital, is there anything I should bring?” I question.  
“What’s your name, we need to know to be able to admit you into the hospital.” The voice responds, ignoring my question.  
“Hajime Iwaizumi.” I answer while putting on my shoes.  
“Excellent, see you soon, Mr. Iwaizumi.” The voice says. I quickly hang up and run down the stairs of our apartment. The hospital is only about half a mile away, so I don’t even bother to get the car. If I sprint, I can make it there in about three minutes.  
I run as fast as I can to the hospital, narrowly avoiding getting run over several times along the way. When I arrive at the hospital, I check the time. My phone reads 6:57, meaning I made it here in under three minutes. I jog into the hospital, desperately gasping for air.  
“Who are you here for?” The receptionist asks.  
“Tōru, Tōru Oikawa.” I pant  
“Name?” she asks, looking at me disapprovingly. I was in such a rush to see Oikawa, I forgot to change out of my PJs.  
“Hajime Iwaizumi.” I reply quickly.  
“Room 357 on floor 3.” The receptionist says dismissively.  
I run quickly into the elevator and jab the third button on the wall. The doors close painfully slowly, and the elevator moves upwards at a snail’s pace. I should have taken the stairs. After what feels like an hour, the elevator doors finally open. I run out of the elevator and find a nurse.  
“Excuse me, where is room 357?” I ask.  
“Mr. Iwaizumi?” The nurse asks. I recognize her voice as the woman I was on the phone with earlier this morning.  
“Yeah, I need to see Oikawa.” I explain frantically.  
“Okay, this way.” She says, motioning for me to follow her. She walks down a plain looking hallway, and takes a left turn. She stops at the 2nd door on the left side of the hallway, and carefully opens it for me. I jog into the room and see my boyfriend sleeping in a hospital gown, tubes and wires attached to his body.  
“I’ll leave you two alone.” She says, closing the door behind me.  
“Oh my god.” I say to myself. “Oikawa you better be alright. If you die I'm gonna beat your ass.” I say, fighting back tears. “Hey wake up soon got it? Your sculpting class starts in an hour and you’ll get marks taken off for missing.” I sit down on one of the plastic chairs by Oikawa’s bed when I hear a knock at the door and look over to see the same nurse from earlier walk in.  
“Can I ask a couple of questions about your partner?” She asks.  
“Sure. What do you need to know?” I reply.  
“Do you know what Oikawa has had to eat within the past 36 hours?” She asks.  
“Well we had pasta for dinner two nights ago, but Oikawa insisted he wasn't hungry. Then the next day he left for class before I woke up so I didn’t see him for breakfast or lunch. At dinner that night he only picked at his food because he had had a big lunch. And this is my first time seeing him this morning, so I don’t know what he had for breakfast.” I say  
“Are you sure Oikawa ate breakfast and lunch yesterday?” the nurse asks.  
“Well he said he did, but no, I don’t have any physical evidence.  
“I don’t think he has had a proper meal in the past 36 hours. That would explain his low blood sugar. Does Oikawa have a history of an eating disorder?” the nurse asks, writing stuff down on her clipboard.  
“Not that I know of. I remember he did tell me he struggles with body issues, but that was in High School so I don’t know if he still does.  
“Has Oikawa told you anything else regarding his mental or physical health?” the nurse asks.  
“I don’t think so. I mean he’s never really brought it up.” I respond.  
“Iwa-Chan?” a quiet voice says. I look over to the bed where Oikawa was sleeping and see him reaching to rub his eyes.  
“I’ll be back in a few minutes, I need to tell the doctors that he’s awake.” The nurse says, rushing out of the room.  
“Oikawa, you haven’t been eating have you?” I ask. He looks up at me and slowly shakes his head.  
“No.” he says solemnly  
“Dumbass! You have to eat. Look what happened! Once you get released, we’re going back to the apartment and eating a proper meal together.” I say. I expect Oikawa to argue, but he doesn’t. He just looks up at me, his eyes starting to water with tears.  
The door opens again, and doctors push me away from Oikawa. The nurse that was asking me questions earlier approaches me.  
“You can go home, Toru will be alright. We’ll call you if his condition changes, but he should be able to get released by this evening.” she explains.  
“Oh, okay. Thanks then.” I sit down in a chair outside of Oikawa’s room. I don’t want to leave. How can I focus on my classes when my boyfriend is in the hospital? It seems like I should be here, helping him or something. I know that I can’t actually help him, but it feels like if I leave now and something happens to him, it will be my fault.  
“That means go home.” the nurse says, her tone slightly less friendly this time. “There isn’t any reason for you to stay here anymore.”  
“Fine, I’ll leave. Just please tell me if anything happens.”  
“Like I said before, if Oikawa’s condition changes, you will be notified.” the nurse repeats. I leave the hospital, and walk home.

Oikawa's POV  
“Alright, we are going to call Mr. Iwazumi and he should come pick you up in about five minutes.” The nurse says cheerfully as she leaves my hospital room. I hope Iwa isn’t mad. He yelled at me a bit earlier, but he didn’t seem angry, just worried. The door into my room opens again and the nurse walks back in.  
“Mr. Oikawa, I’m going to give these to you when you leave,” She says, rattling a bottle of pills “You need to take one before each meal, so three a day. They should help you keep food down, and make the digestion process better for you. Now obviously, there’s no point in taking these if you won’t eat.” I look away when she says this. Enough people have told me off for not eating, but it won’t help.  
“Mr. Oikawa, are you aware that you are in the fifth percentile for men your age?” the nurse asks. I shake my head and refrain from making eye contact. “You are severely underweight. A guy of your age and activity level should be consuming between 2,500 and 3,000 calories each day. We estimate that you have been consuming between 250 and 500.” The nurse must have noticed that I was no longer paying attention to her, because she puts her hand on my shoulder and raises her voice.  
“Mr. Oikawa, if you continue eating this much, you will die.” She says, emphasizing the last word. Someone knocks at the door, and the nurse gets up to open the door.  
“Hey, are you ready to go?” asks Iwa.  
“Yeah.” I say, crawling out of the bed.  
“Nurse, are there any release papers that we have to sign?” asks Iwa  
“Nope, we've already taken care of all of it. You're free to go.” she replies.  
“Come on Tōru, let’s go.” says Iwa, his hand extended slightly.  
“Does he want me to hold his hand?” I think to myself. “Probably not, that doesn’t sound like Iwa.” I conclude. I follow Iwa outside, and he drives me home. We don’t speak at all until we get home.  
“Sit down.” Iwa orders as I walk through the door into our apartment. His tone is strict, so I don’t dare disobey him. I sit up straight on one of the stools in our kitchen, tensing up as Iwa walks behind me. Suddenly, he grabs my chin and pulls it to the side, where he is now standing.  
“Listen to me Shittykawa, you need to eat. If you don’t eat, then you will die. And if you die, I’ll be pissed off.” Iwa says roughly.  
“Fuck you Iwa. You’re always thinking about yourself. I’m your boyfriend for god’s sake you could do a better job pretending to care about me. It’s my body, I’ll do what I want with it.”  
“No the fuck you won’t! Godamnit Oikawa, I love you, and I can’t love a dead person. You said I don’t care about you? Well how about this, I’ll take you out. We're going on a dinner date and after that, we can spend the whole night together. It’s been awhile since we’ve had sex.”  
“The fuck? Iwa you can’t just use sex to make it up whenever you screw up. I’m not going on your stupid date and I’m not going to have sex with you!” I shout. Iwa looks back at me, eyes wide. I clearly surprised him by my response.  
“Fine, have it your way. I’m going for a smoke.” Iwa says cooly, walking away from me. I feel a twinge of guilt, because Iwa really did try to fix things, but this is how it has to be.  
I put my running shoes on and jog downstairs. As I jog out of the apartment complex, somebody grabs the collar of my shirt.  
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Iwa asks.  
“Let me go! I’m going on a run.” I reply, flailing my arms at him in attempts to get him to let me go.  
“Oikawa you can’t. The doctors said that you need to limit your exercise and eat more. I’m not gonna let you go on a run until you eat.”  
“That’s stupid. What do doctors know anyway?” I complain.  
“A lot more then you fucking do. Now go eat. I’ll run with you after our meal.” Says Iwa, putting out his cigarette. I try to break free so I can go on a run without him, but he quickly scoops me up and carries me back into our apartment bridal style.  
“Put me down Iwa-Chan!” I whale. Iwa ignores me, and carries me into the kitchen. He gently sets me down on the floor, then pretends to dust his hands off on his pants.  
“Here’s what's gonna happen: I’m going to make us lunch, while you explain what I can do better. Then we will eat together, and talk about what’s happening. Oikawa, I’ve known you forever and we’ve been dating for years! Recently you’ve been a stranger to me. When we finish eating, we can go on a run if you still want to, or we can cuddle and watch a movie.” Iwa explains.  
“Fine. I’ll eat your stupid lunch and talk about our stupid relationship.” I say, rolling my eyes.  
“You don’t mean that,” Iwa hums “You don’t really think out relationship is stupid, right?” Iwa says, looking hurt. I merely scoff in response.  
I want to say no. I want to tell him how much he means to me and that our relationship means the world to me. I want to reassure Iwa that he is my everything and I love him more than life, but I can’t.

Iwazumi’s POV  
“Start talking,” I demand “If you aren’t happy with how this relationship is going, tell me what I can do.” I say, pulling some leftover lasagna out of the fridge and into the microwave.  
“Fine.” Oikawa says, spreading out on the kitchen floor like a starfish. “You could hug me more.” He suggests.  
“I’m not hugging you.” I reply, only half joking. I’m not really one for displays of affection, especially ones that aren’t sexual.  
“Iwa-chan!” Oikawa whines “You said you would try to make me happier!”  
“No, I said I wanted to know what would make you more happy. I didn’t agree to go through with any of it.” I say, smirking.  
“See this is why our relationship isn’t working.” Oikawa complains, crossing his arms.  
“Woah woah baby, I was joking. I love you and if a hug will prove that to you then I’ll give you a hug.” I apologize. Oikawa sticks his arms up, signaling for me to pull him up off the ground. I tug on his arms, helping him stand up, then bring the lasagna that just finished microwaving onto the counter. Oikawa pulls out a stool and sits down. I cut the lasagna in half, and place a piece on Oikawa’s plate.  
“Iwa I can’t eat that.” Oikawa says quietly.  
“Yes you can. Look I’ll take the first bite to make it less intimidating.” I cut into the lasagna with my fork and scoop a bite into my mouth. “See? It’s easy. This tastes amazing, try a bite.”  
I watch Oikawa tentatively cut into his lasagna. He shakily brings his fork to his mouth and winces slightly as he chews the food.  
“How is it?” I ask  
“It’s good. Its’ hot, but good.” Oikawa replies. I cut off another bite for myself, and look up to check on Oikawa.  
“Are you crying?” I ask  
“W-What? No!” He replies, wiping his eyes with his sweater sleeve.  
“Awww, do you wanna tissue?” I offer  
“No, I don’t need a tissue because I wasn't crying.” Oikawa says firmly. He was definitely crying, but I know better than to test Oikawa’s fragile ego.  
“Alright fine, take another bite.” I encourage. Oikawa shakily brings another bite of food into his mouth and chews. Slowly but surely, Oikawa finishes his meal.  
“I’m so proud of you!” I exclaim, “Do you still want to go on a run?” I ask  
“No, not really. Can we just stay in tonight? I have a ton of work to catch up on from when I missed classes because of…” Oikawa trails off. He jumps up as if a chill went down his back, and looks back at me “Anyway, I should probably start on that.” Oikawa suggests.  
“Of course, do you need any help?” I ask. Oikawa is majoring in art, so I probably can’t do much for him, regardless, I should offer.  
“Actually, yeah, can you grab my pencils from my desk? There should be a sharpener there too, can you grab that too?” Oikawa requests.  
“Sure. What are you working on?” I inquire, walking over to Oikawa’s desk.  
“It’s an anatomy project, so I’m basically just drawing bodies.” he answers flatly.  
“So you’re drawing nudes? Do you need a model?” I joke. Oikawa is out of sight, but I can feel him rolling his eyes from across the apartment. I grab his pencil case and sharpener off his desk, and walk back over to him. “This sharpener doesn’t have a blade in it.” I observe. Oikawa spins around to look at me, his body suddenly tense.  
“W-weird. Could you run to the store and get me a new one?” Oikawa asks. His skin suddenly looks much more pale and sweaty.  
“Are you alright? You don’t look well.” I point out.  
“I’m fine!” he snaps “Sorry, it’s just,” Oikawa pauses, as if he’s trying to retain his composure “can you just get the pencil sharpener?” he asks.  
“Of course, but are you sure you are alright? You look sick.” I say.  
“Damn it Iwa I said I’m fine! I’m not some fragile little boy, you don’t have to take care of me anymore! I don't need you holding my hand through life, okay? I’m fine on my own!” Oikawa snaps.  
“Why do you have to turn everything into a fight? I’m trying to help you through this, but you keep pushing me away. I’m not gonna leave you though, because despite what you think, you do need me in your life. Without me, you would probably be dead, so I’m not going to leave you, not ever, because I can’t live without you either!” I shout. I look at Oikawa to see his reaction to my outburst, to find him shaking and wiping tears from his eyes.  
“Can you-” he sobs, his voice cracking when he says the second word “Can you just get the pencil sharpener?”  
“Fine.” I say coolly. I grab my wallet and slide on a pair of shoes then walk out of our apartment.  
I don’t understand Oikawa sometimes. Throughout high school, we had a solid relationship figured out. I would yell at him and he would fall head over heels for me. When he found out that I actually liked him back, he was ecstatic. He immediately wanted to go out on dates and tell the whole team, but I insisted that we don’t.  
My parents weren’t very supportive of gay people, so I didn’t really want to tell them that I had gotten myself a boyfriend. Oikawa and I would hang out all the time, but I tried to make sure nobody suspected that we were anything more than friends.  
Eventually, Oikawa and I decided that we didn’t really care if people didn’t accept us, because if they don’t love us for being ourselves, then they never really loved us in the first place. So I came out to my parents, and told the team we were dating.  
My parents didn’t take well to the news that Oikawa and I were dating. They stopped talking to me, and eventually kicked me out. Luckily, Oikawa’s parents were more than accepting of us, and let me move in with them.  
The team was a bit weird about it at first, but got used to it pretty quickly. Most of them could tell Oikawa liked me, but just didn’t think I actually liked him back. I think they were more surprised than upset, I had been pretty mean to Oikawa in the past few years as a cover up, so I could see how it came as a shock to them that I liked him.  
Living with Oikawa was great, but when it came time to go to college, we didn’t know what to do. Oikawa wanted to be an art major, and I wanted to major in business. We applied to the same schools, a few safe schools, and both of our dream schools. I got into my dream school, but Oikawa didn’t. Splitting up didn’t even cross our minds; so we ended up going to one of the safe schools that we both got into.  
So why is Oikawa making so much drama about our relationship now?

Oikawa’s POV  
He can’t know. I can’t let him find out. If Iwa finds out about my cutting habit then he’ll try to stop me from- he can’t know. Using my pencil sharpener blade, what was I thinking? Focus Oikawa,

How can I cover it up?

I could try and say that the blade fell out, but it’s held in place by a screw. I could tell Iwa that I took the blade out for something else, but he would expect me to put it back then. I’ll just tell him someone dropped it and I didn’t notice it was missing a blade. Yeah, that’ll work.  
What’s my excuse for looking sick? I can just tell Iwa that I had an upset stomach after eating, he’ll probably believe that.  
I glance down at my wrist, and check my watch from the time. 2:40? But it’s dark outside! I walk furiously to the window and check to confirm that the sun had in fact set. Sure enough, the sky is dark, and rain pours from outside  
I look at the microwave for the time, because it can’t be only 2:40. The dim light reads 8:10. I shake my head slightly and look back down at my watch. “I must have gotten the arms confused.” I say dismissively to myself. Am I really that tired? Maybe I should just go to bed.  
No, these sketches are due tomorrow, and I haven’t even started on the project. I need to work on these. I almost wish I had taken Iwa up on his offer to model for me. Drawing anatomy sketches without a reference is near impossible.  
I grab my computer to look up references. I start to draw the basic shapes for the project, then hear the door behind me open.  
“Are you looking at naked men?” Iwa’s voice asks.  
“No, Yes, Maybe? Why, are you mad?” I stutter “They were just a reference I swear.” I brace for Iwa to yell at me but a light laughter fills the air instead.  
“Of course not! I understand that you need references for your project. Are you sure you don’t want me to model for you though?” Iwa asks softly.  
“If it’s not too much of a burden for you, then yeah.” I reply.  
“You aren’t a burden at all and you never will be. Here’s your pencil sharpener.” he says, tossing it at me. To my surprise I catch it, and place it on my desk. “How do you want me to stand?” Iwa asks, unbuttoning his shirt.  
“Well I have to draw someone in several positions, but you can start with just standing with your arms by your side.” Iwa does exactly as I need; he stands in front of me with his shirt off, his hair wet from the rain.  
“Hey, aren't you supposed to be drawing me or something?” Iwa teases. I snap out of my hypnosis that my boyfriend’s chest muscles put me in and blush furiously. I put my head back down and start drawing.  
“I need to see your legs.” I say, once I finish drawing Iwa’s top half.  
“Are you asking me to take my pants off?” Iwa smirks, untying his sweatpants drawstrings.  
“Hey you’re the one who offered to model for me.” I say with mock defensiveness. Iwa pulls his sweatpants off, then goes back to his original pose.  
After a few minutes, I finish my sketch.  
“Ta-da!” I exclaim showing Iwa the drawing.  
“That looks great! So are we done?” Iwa asks. I shake my head.  
“Nope, not even close, I still need at least four more poses" I reply.  
“Alright then, how do you want me to pose?” he asks. I scooch out of my chair and walk over him to position him. I pull out a stool and sit him down on that. I blush as I position his thighs so that he is crossing his legs. I skim his chest on my way up to his arms.  
“Just rest your face on your hand. It’s supposed to be the ‘deep in thought’ pose or something.”  
“What am I thinking about then?” Iwa says flirtatiously.  
“I don’t know. You’re supposed to be smiling in this pose, so I guess you should think of something that makes you happy.” I suggest.  
“Then I’ll be thinking of you.” Iwa says, leaning forward to kiss me. He reaches for my sweater and starts to pull it off, but I swat his hand away.  
“I have to finish this project, it’s due tomorrow!” I say.  
“You can do it in the morning.” Iwa says, reaching for my sweater again.  
“Iwa, no, I can’t. We can do this,” I say referencing our closeness. “Later. Just not now, I have school.” I say, pushing him away again.  
“What’s the real reason baby? I know it isn’t school, you don’t do your assignments half the time anyway.” Iwa asks. Damn, how does he know me so well? He’s totally right, I don’t give a shit about school. The real reason I don’t want to have sex is because I don’t want Iwa to see my body.  
“It’s honestly school! I’m even more behind then usual from the days I missed!” I exclaim.  
“Don’t lie to me, Oikawa.” Iwa warns. “If you don’t want to have sex, just say it. I won’t be mad.”  
“No it’s not that! I’m just really behind on school work.” I say  
“No it’s not. I’ve known you forever and we've been dating for years! Do you really think you can lie without me noticing? You always lick your top lip before you lie then look to the left when you speak. What's the real reason?” Iwa pries.  
“Fine I’ll have sex with you if it means that much.” I say, hoping that Iwa will turn me down now.  
“I won’t do it if you don’t want to. I just want to know what’s happening. Talk to me Oikawa!” Iwa says with a slightly raised voice.  
“Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do then!” I shout “Maybe you’re just thinking about yourself to consider how I feel. Did you ever think of that Iwa? Just because your parents kicked you out you think you’re the only one that struggles! Well you aren’t, okay? You aren’t special!” I yell. Iwa just looks at me, completely shocked.  
“You can find a new model.” He says coolly, pulling his sweatpants back on, grabbing his wallet, and walking out of the apartment.

Iwa’s POV  
“You can find a new model.” I say before grabbing my sweatpants and my wallet then storming out of our apartment. I know this probably isn’t the best response to Oikawa’s outburst, but I don’t know how else to react. I just need a break from him. I jog down the stairs, and and reach into my pocket for a cigarette.  
“Damn,” I say to myself “They must have fallen out when I took off my pants.” I really need a smoke right now, so I walk over to the store on the corner of our block, buy a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, then leave.  
I stand outside the store smoking, and debate what my next move should be. I can’t go back to the apartment quite yet because Oikawa is probably still mad. I don’t have any classes that I could be attending this late, and the cafe where I occasionally pick up shifts is closed today.  
It’s been awhile, but I might actually go play some volleyball. There’s a bar nearby with a sand volleyball court in the back, I might stop by there. That will be a good way to get my mind off of Oikawa.  
I put my cigarette out, then walk towards the bar. It’s only a few blocks away, so it doesn’t take long to get there. I walk in and am met by bright pink and blue lights. I squint for a moment, letting my eyes adjust to the harsh lighting.  
I walk to the back of the bar and order a beer. A moment later, the bartender comes back with my drink, and I walk back outside to where the courts are. I observe the people playing as I finish my drink, then walk onto the court.  
“Do you mind if I play a set?” I ask  
“Not at all!” Says a tall man with dirty blonde hair. “I’m Akiteru Tsukishima and I’m our team’s ace. What’s your name and position?”  
“I’m Hajime Iwaizumi, and I used to be an ace too.” I answer.  
“Great! You can play for the other team, if that’s alright, they don’t have an ace.” Suggests Akiteru.  
“Sounds good!” I exclaim happily.  
I walk over to the other side of the net, and the team explains their positions to me. The setter is tall and has brown hair, he looks something like Oikawa. I shake my head “No thinking about him right now.” I scold myself.  
“Serves up!” my teammates shout. The volleyball floats over then net and someone in the back row receives it well. He passes it to Oikawa- no, not Oikawa. He passes it to the setter, who happens to look like Oikawa. I watch his hands, and determine that the ball is coming my way. I start my approach, and make contact with the ball while I jump. It soars over the net, and lands in the sand.  
“Wow where did you learn to hit like that?” Questions the setter in awe.  
“I played in middle school and high school." I explain simply.  
We continue to play and before I know it, it's match point. It's my serve, so I take a deep breath, then hit the ball over the net. Our opponents pass it up then set it so it can be hit over, but luckily, we receive their hit. The setter for our team turns towards me, and pushes the ball in my direction. I do my approach, then jump up to hit the ball. It goes over the net and into the sand.  
"Wow, we won! It's all thanks to you Iwa-Chan." says the friendly setter.  
"Sorry, what did you call me?" I ask, taken back. Only Oikawa calls me Iwa-Chan.  
"Iwa-Chan? Oh, I'm sorry, I guess that was kinda weird of me." trails our setter, looking kind of nervous.  
"Hey, I have to go home," I say, looking at my watch, "but thanks for letting me play with you all!" I say quickly. I need to get home to Oikawa.  
I grab my stuff then start to jog home. I don't know what I'm going to say to him yet, but I know I have to do something. I shouldn't have left him alone.  
One I get to our apartment, I jog up the stairs and fumble around in my pocket for a key. I must not have grabbed one before I left, so I try the doorknob, thinking it might be unlocked. Just my luck - it's not.  
"Oikawa, please unlock the door," I call. I wait a moment for a response before knocking again. "Oikawa, please let me in." I plead. For a moment I think that he isn't home, but the lights are on, and Oikawa always remembers to turn off the lights when he leaves the house.  
"Oikawa, I know you are in there, let me in." I say, this time a little less politely. After no response, I try again. "Damn it Oikawa, it's my apartment too!" I say, knocking angrily at the door. He still doesn't open the door so I shot once more, "Let me the fuck in! I live here too!"  
That must have finally done it, because I hear the creak of our apartment floorboards. I hear the deadbolt being unlocked and the door slowly swings open. Oikawa stands in the door frame wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt. His eyes are red and puffy and his skin is pale.  
"What do you want?" Oikawa asks. His voice isn't nearly as high and energetic as usual.  
"I thought my knocking made it obvious. I want to come inside." I snap. Oikawa walks away, but leaves the door open. I walk into our apartment, and close the door behind me. Oikawa has sat down on the couch, and is now staring daggers at me.  
"Where have you been?" he questions.  
"I've been out." I reply coolly. My intentions of making up with him are out of mind. He isn't in a state that would respond well to an apology.  
"Out where Iwa?" here it comes, "What aren't you telling me? I'm your boyfriend you know, you should be more open with me." there it is, Oikawa overreacting again.  
"I just went out, Oikawa. No need to get all upset." I say dismissively.  
"No need to get upset? Look at you Iwa, your hair is messy and you smell of alcohol! You really think I'm dumb enough not to catch on?" Oikawa shouts.  
"What are you talking about?" I ask.  
"If I wasn't enough you could have just told me!" Continues Oikawa. He pushes himself off the couch and walks over to me, "Well two can play at that game." he says, walking past me, and out of the apartment.

Oikawa’s POV  
It’s almost done. I just have to be an ass tonight, and then it will work. So, what can I do to piss off Iwa as much as possible? I don’t want to do anything that ruins his reputation or physically hurts him, but I need to ruin our relationship and have Iwa absolutely hate me.  
Well, to the club I go. It’s only fair after all, Iwa got his hookup earlier today. He thought that I wouldn’t notice, but the messy hair and the scent of alcohol was a give away that he had been at a club. Iwa hates dancing, so he wouldn’t go to a club without other motives.  
I start to jog to the club. It’s only a mile or two away, so with traffic and going to get the car, it would take longer to drive then to just run there. I start breathing heavily while I run, and wonder if this is a good idea. Maybe not, but I can’t back out of this plan now. It’s too late for that now.  
I squint my eyes as I walk into the club, the flashing lights shine bright. I walk over to the bar, and order a tray of shots. Now all I have to do is sit and wait. A pretty guy like me sitting alone at the bar, I just have to give it a few minutes and I’m sure to get hit on.  
Sure enough, a few shots later, a tall muscular guy with curly black hair sits down next to me.  
“You here with a girl?” He shouts so that I can hear him over the loud music  
“Nah, I swing the other way.” I yell back, taking a shot on the counter. I’m not sure if it’s mine, but it’s alcohol nonetheless.  
“Really?” He asks rhetorically “Me too.” he adds. Bingo, this is where our conversation goes from friendly to intimate. “Can I buy you a drink?” He offers.  
“Let’s skip the small talk.” I whisper into his ear, clumsily grabbing his shirt collar. It’s hard to tell with the flashing lights, but I’m pretty sure I saw him blush.  
“Don’t you wanna know my name first?” He asks.  
“Why bother? We both know this isn't gonna lead to a relationship so there isn’t much point in getting to know each other.”  
“Fair point, but how do you know that I’m not a murderer or something?” The man asks.  
“All the better. Do me a favor and kill me while you’re at it.” I reply. The man laughs and takes my hand. I can feel the alcohol setting in as my vision starts to blur.  
“You’re kinda funny you know.” he says. I get that a lot. The irony of it is that I’m not even joking. “And my name’s Alex.” he says, leading me to the back of the club.  
“So Alex,” I hum “If you aren't here for a relationship, then what do you want to do with me?” Alex pulls me by my hair and starts to whisper into my ear.  
“Oh baby I wanna do so many things to you. I’m gonna make you my little bitch, and fuck you till you can’t walk right.” Alex whispers, his voice slightly raspy.  
“Alright then, n-now that you've got my expectations up, you better not dis- disappoint me ” I stumble. The back of this club has a few poles, and a few rooms that you can rent out. Alex pulls me towards the rooms and hands the person who has the keys to the door some money. In exchange, they give Alex a key and point to a room. Alex thanks them, and pulls me towards the door that was indicated. He unlocks the door and pushes me inside. The room is pretty small, and only has a full sized bed and a nightstand in it. It has red LED strips around the ceiling, and I can’t tell what color anything in the room is, though I’m not sure if that's because of the lighting or the alcohol.  
“Can I tie you up?” asks Alex, weaving silk ribbons between his fingers.  
“How ‘bout this, you can do whatever you w-want to me, and if I need you to stop, I’ll use a safeword. Howdoescherryblossomsound?” I suggest, my words slurring together. Alex nods, then pushes me onto the bed. He climbs on top of me and presses his lips against mine. I kiss back as he uses the silk ribbon he was playing with to tie my hands up. I reach to take off his shirt, but the silk keeps my hands restrained.  
“Somebody's eager.” Alex teases. He trails his fingers down my arm then takes off my shirt. He moves his head down and begins biting my shoulder. I flinch and Alex looks up at me, but I shake my head to tell him that it was nothing. I usually don’t let Iwa bite me because it leaves marks on my body, but today, the marks serve a purpose; making Iwa jealous.  
Alex runs his hands down my torso and slips his thumbs under the waistline. He unties the string and pulls them off my hips. A moan slips through my lips as he grinds against me. Then I whimper while he bites the side of my neck.  
I don’t remember when it happened, but Alex must have taken his shirt off a bit ago, because now he is sitting on top of my chest, half naked, taking off his belt. He pulls his jeans off, then leans over my head, grabbing the headboard.  
Suddenly the door into our room swings open and the room becomes filled with the flashing lights of the club again.  
“Oikawa?” A familiar voice calls, “Hey asshole, that’s my boyfriend you’re fucking!” Iwa shouts, shoving Alex off of me. “How dare you take advantage of him like this!” Iwa shouts. He looks like he's about to throw punches, so I have to do something.  
“Iwaaa stop, I w-wanted to have sex with him!” I shout. Iwa looks at me, absolutely shocked.  
“I suggest you leave us so we can get back to what we were doing.” says Alex.  
“Hell no! That’s my boyfriend you have tied up there, I’m not gonna let you fuck him while he’s too drunk to give consent!” Iwa yells.  
“Iwa I’m not-” I begin.  
“Relax, he’s only had a few drinks.” Alex says coolly, climbing back on top of me.  
“Shut the hell up, he’s waisted. Oikawa has no alcohol tolerance.” Iwa says, glaring at me. “Come on, we’re leaving.”  
“Hey I paid for this room, at least let me fuck him first!” Alex yells, reaching for my boxers.  
“I said get the hell off of him!” Iwa shouts, shoving Alex off of me and into the wall.  
“Oh yeah? Or what?” Challenges Alex. Iwa punches Alex in the stomach, then comes over to me to untie my hands. He tosses the ribbons aside and reaches to help hold me up, but is pulled down to the ground by Alex. Alex punches Iwa’s cheek, and Iwa quickly begins to fight back.  
“H-hey Iwa, how are you gonna beat somebody taller than you in a fight?” I stumble. Iwa ignores me, but I don’t know if it’s because I made fun of his height or because he’s fighting Alex right now. I watch them wrestle but my mind is too foggy to really pay attention to what’s happening.  
I start to fall asleep, but feel somebody carry me bridal style. They set me down then close the car door.  
“You really got yourself into a mess this time, Shittykawa.”

Iwa’s POV  
“You really got yourself into a mess this time, Shittykawa.” I mutter to the semi conscious body in the back of my car. I reach into the back seat to put his seatbelt on, then drive us home.  
I get out of the car, and walk over to Oikawa’s door. In the reflection of the window, I see myself, my nose looks crooked, and blood is smeared across my face. That Alex kid really packs a punch. I sigh and open the car door. Oikawa is still asleep, so I quietly unbuckle his seatbelt and carry him inside. For once I’m thankful he’s so skinny, it’s not easy carrying a body up several flights of stairs.  
Once I get to the apartment, I lay Oikawa on the couch and pull a blanket over him. I walk into the bathroom to get a better look at my wounds and start to clean them off. It’s worse than I thought, not only is my nose crooked, but my eyes are puffy and I have a wide cut on my cheekbone.  
I shuffle through bottles of shampoo and conditioner trying to find the hydrogen peroxide, but when I find the bottle, it’s empty.  
“Shit this is gonna hurt,” I think to myself as I reach for the bottle of isopropyl alcohol. I pull my t-shirt up and bite down on the collar of it. Leaning over the sink, I start to pour the alcohol over my cut. I wince and bite down harder on the shirt. Now that my cut is sanitized, I can bandage it up. I grab a Band-Aid out of the box and put it on my cheek.  
Now I just have to deal with my eyes and my nose. I walk back into the kitchen to grab and ice back, and hear something in the living room. Oikawa must be awake. I hold the ice pack up to my face, and walk into the living room.  
“You look like shit.” Oikawa smirks.  
“Shut up, your dumbass is the only reason I’m hurt in the first place.” I complain.  
“Aww, you aren’t mad at me are you?” Oikawa says  
“No of course not, you only brought up my parents kicking me out, locked me out of our apartment, then got pissed off at me for playing a set of volleyball. No wait, you also went to the club and cheated on me with a total stranger. No I’m not mad at all!” I say sarcastically.  
“Woah woah woah, when did you play volleyball?” Oikawa asks.  
“After our modeling fight and before you went to the club.” I explain. I can’t tell if Oikawa is intentionally forgetting or if he’s just drunk.  
“You played volleyball?” he asks. I roll my eyes, and nod. “Well in my defense, I thought you had a hookup when that happened.” He giggles.  
“What the hell Oikawa? I would never cheat on you! And even if I did, don’t you think it would be fair to talk to be about it before you run off to a club and have sex with some stranger?”  
“Well I guess, but-” he starts  
“No, you didn’t think about that. Because you don’t think. Oikawa if I hadn’t come save you, that dude would have had sex with you and who knows what would have happened after that? You need to think about what you’re doing before you do it idiot.”  
“Wait how did you even know I was at the club?” asks Oikawa.  
“Is that really important right now?” I say.  
“Yes the fuck it is! Was the club really the first place you thought to look?” Oikawa questions. I sigh and pull out my phone. I open the parental figures app and show it to Oikawa.  
“After you passed out on your run I put tracking on your phone so that I could see where you, or your phone at least, are.” I explain.  
“You’ve been tracking me?” Oikawa accuses.  
“Idiot, I’m just trying to keep you alive.” I reply. Neither of us say anything for a moment, but I break the silence by asking, “Why did you go to the club?”  
“I was angry. I thought you cheated on me so I wanted revenge. I just wanted to make you jealous.” Oikawa answers.  
“Well it fucking worked.” I mumble. “Oikawa I have been by your side for years, and I’m always here when you screw something up. I never ask anything of you, because that’s what I thought love was. I loved you Oikawa, but you aren’t acting like you love me back. I keep on giving you more chances, but this isn’t working. Before, saving you was an inconvenience at worst, but now, I can’t keep doing this. So I’m sorry, but I don’t think this relationship is going to work out.” I tell Oikawa.  
“W-what?” Oikawa says, his voice cracking. I’ve seen him pout before, but this isn’t that. He looks really really sad. I’m tempted to go hold him and offer him words of comfort, but I told myself I would stop saving him. I need to live my own life, not act as somebody's sidekick.  
“Why am I never enough? Why am I always letting people down? I wasn’t a good enough setter to get us to nationals, I wasn’t a good enough artist to get into your dream school, and I’m not a good enough person to be your boyfriend. I’m sorry Iwazumi.” Oikawa says quietly.  
I really want to tell him that it isn’t his fault, and that it’s all going to be okay, but I can’t. Oikawa needs to realize that he can’t be as reckless and inconsiderate as he had been. If he doesn’t learn now, he never will. This will hurt him, and it will hurt me, but we both will become stronger and better people because of it.  
Hopefully, Oikawa grows from this, and maybe then we can get back together, but I can’t be around him until he gets better.

Oikawa’s POV  
This is what I wanted. This was the goal that I had been trying to achieve for so long now. So why am I not happy about it?  
I can finally leave, without feeling guilty about leaving anything behind. Nobody will be sad, and nobody will miss me. Even though this doesn’t feel right, I know that it’s far too late to go back on my plan. I grab my phone, and walk back out the apartment.  
“Oikawa wait! I can’t leave things like this!” Iwa calls, but by then, I’m already down a flight of stairs. I can’t go back to him. I have a route planned for where I need to go after this. There’s only one bridge nearby that is tall enough for what I need to do.  
As I walk to the bridge, I debate what I should tell Iwa, if anything at all. I can’t leave him like this, because then he will blame himself for the breakup that he will believe caused my death, which actually isn’t the case at all. I’ve been depressed since eighth grade, and I’ve been suicidal since eleventh grade.  
Once I’m about two blocks I call Iwa, praying that it goes to voicemail. I don’t think I can talk to him right now, much less explain to him what I’m going to do and why I’m doing it. The phone rings twice, and then a third time.  
“You have reached the voicemail box of Iwaizumi Hajime. Please leave a message after the tone.” the phone’s robotic voice says. I wait for the beep to sound, then start my message.  
“Hey Iwa, if by the time you get this I'll probably be dead. I guess you could call this a suicide note. I'm sending it to you because you were my lifeline, I was only living because I didn't want you to be sad when I left.” I explain. “I'm sorry for pushing you away. It's not that I hate you, I could never hate you, but I was scared. I just can't deal with all of this, and I don't know what else to do. We live in a really shitty world, and I need to escape it.”  
“The reason I've been such a bitch lately is that I thought that if you hated me then it wouldn't hurt when I left. I'm so sorry about how I left things, but this way you won't miss me.” I speak into the phone. Tears start to form in my eyes, and I get the feelin in my nose that always comes before I cry. I don’t want to cry in the voicemail I leave, so I need to wrap it up.  
“I've gotta go now, but don't worry, you'll move on. Like you said, 'you can't love a dead person'. Live life to the fullest, and remember that I still love you.” I say, then hang up.  
I’ve been walking for a bit, and it’s really cold outside. My fingers and toes are starting to go numb, and my lungs hurt from breathing the cool, dry air. As the tears fall from my eyes, my face turns even more red. Because my skin is so pale, my face always gets red when it’s cool out. Now sobbing, I start to gasp for air.  
This is the last air I will ever breath, and I can’t manage to force it down into my lungs. I try to check my phone, but my fingers are numb, and won’t move. I can see the bridge from where I am now, it’s only about a block away.  
I start to wonder what happens after you die. Is there a heaven and a hell? Do you get reincarnated? Or maybe it’s just black. Does being dead hurt? Supposedly your life flashes before your eyes in the moments before death. Nothing has happened yet, but I’m not on the edge of the bridge yet.  
As I reach the river that the bridge crosses over, the sound of water running below me flows into my ears. The lights of the cars driving past me blur together, and the only thing I can see is the edge of the bridge.  
If i’m going to do this, I need to do it right, I don’t get a second chance. If I jump too close to either side of the bridge, I won’t fall for long enough to accumulate the velocity that would be fatal upon impact. The last thing I want to do is paralyze myself and drown.  
Although I can’t be sure, I think that if I jump front the center of the bridge, I should fall long enough to hit the water and die. I suppose there’s only one way to find out.  
Once I reach what I think is the center of the bridge, I take a few last breaths to calm myself down.  
“You can do it Oikawa. Just jump from this bridge, and you can leave this whole life behind.” I say to myself.  
“But what if I don’t want to leave it behind.” says a small voice inside of my head. I try to ignore it, because there isn’t anything left here for me. I was staying for Iwa, and now he hates me, so I have no reason to be here.  
I don’t have a purpose here anymore. I’m too old to be a son, and besides, my parents like my older brother better. I’m no good at art, I couldn’t even get into Iwa’s school. And I’m a shitty boyfriend. If I stayed, it would only be for myself, and I don’t really want that. I have to go.  
I put my hand on the rail of the bridge, and push myself onto the thin wall of the bridge. I’m only a step away from death now. I look up at the stars, and feel the wind blow through my hair. Taking one last deep breath, I turn around so that my back faces the water, close my eyes, and-

Sad ending (If you want to read the happy ending, skip this part)  
Iwa’s POV  
Shit, shit, shit, shit. I just got Oikawa’s voice message, and I don’t know what to do. I go to the parental controls app, and map Oikawa’s location. I try to think about where he is near, then it hits me; Oikawa is about a block away from the highest bridge in our city. I have to go stop him.  
I quickly slide on shoes, and take off towards the bridge. I shouldn't have broken up with him. I should have known there was a reason for his rude behavior. If he dies it’s my fault.  
My head floods with a list miles long of all the things I did wrong. I imagine a long piece of parchment with a list of Oikawa’s reasons, and the end of it reads ‘you didn't love me enough’ signed in his blood. Images of Oikawa’s dead body pry into my mind, and while I try to shake them from my head.  
My lungs are burning for sprinting for so long, but I can’t slow down, Oikawa’s life is on the line. I can’t lose him, not only is he my bestfriend and my boyfriend, but I can't imagine a future without him. In my mind, he’s also my future husband.  
I didn’t change before I left, so I’m absolutely freezing, wearing only a white tank top and a pair of sweatpants. It’s okay though, I didn’t have time to change, if I take too long, Oikawa might have been gone by the time I got there.  
I’m only a few blocks away from the bridge now, and my body is aching. I’m tired, I haven’t eaten, it’s cold, and I’m an emotional wreck. I don’t care about myself right now though, I need to get to Oikawa, and save him. He’s all that matters.  
“What if I can’t convince Oikawa to stay?” I say to myself.  
“What if he doesn’t love me anymore, and I can’t stop him from jumping?” I wonder “No, he said that he would never stop loving me in his voicemail. If I can get to the bridge, then I can talk to Oikawa, and convince him to come down. Then we will talk everything out, and live happily ever after.” I tell myself.  
I keep my head up as the bridge comes into sight. I see a figure standing in the center of the bridge, pushing themselves onto the edge.  
“Oikawa!!” I say, hoping to get his attention. Unfortunately, because I've been running, and the air is thin, my voice comes out as barely more than a whisper. I keep running towards him, flailing my arms, hoping that he notices me.  
“Oikawa!” I shout again. My voice is slightly louder now, but it’s still not loud enough for him to hear.  
“Oika-” I try to yell again. My voice breaks as I see him lean back, and fall off the edge. My body freezes and I can’t breath.  
“OIKAWA NO!” I shout, snapping out of my shock. I look over the edge of the bridge and watch his body fall. His eyes are closed, and his face is red and puffy. Tears flow from my eyes as he hits the water below.  
I rub my eyes, and blink a few times, desperately hoping that what I saw wasn’t real. I look at the sidewalk where my boyfriend was standing just moments ago. He’s really gone now.  
I should have ran faster. I should have been nicer. I should have asked him how his day was more. I should have woken up every single morning and told him how much I loved him. Maybe then he would have stayed.  
I never told him, but I wanted to marry him. I wanted to own a house with him, I wanted to adopt kids together, and I wanted to grow old with him. I was so stupid not to tell him how much I loved him, because now he will never know.  
Oikawa is dead, and he died thinking that I didn’t love him. This all feels so wrong. I close my eyes and pinch myself, hoping to wake up from this horrifying nightmare, but when I open my eyes, I’m still standing on this bridge, and Oikawa is still dead.

10 YEARS LATER  
The day Oikawa killed himself I told myself that I would never love anyone else. His last words to me was that he would still love me, even if he was dead, so I knew that I had to love him back.  
I’ve graduated business school, but live alone. I don’t really do anything with my life anymore. I don’t really enjoy it much either. I’m always in so much pain, and even though it’s been ten years, I still can’t get over him.  
Every single day I wake up, go to work, come home, drink until I can’t feel anything, then cry myself to sleep. I’m not proud of who I’ve become, but it’s who I am without Oikawa.  
Friends from high school and coworkers have tried to check up on me, but I always push them away because they can’t do anything for me. They can’t go back in time and tell me to love him more, they can’t save Oikawa.  
After Okinawa's’ death, I didn't know what to do. At first I was angry with myself, and honestly, I still am. I blame myself for not understanding what he was going through, and not getting to the bridge fast enough.  
I transferred colleges, because every day, I had to cross that bridge to get to my classes, and every time I would cry. I couldn’t sleep at night because every time I closed my eyes, I saw Oikawa falling, and then had to watch him hit the water and die.  
Eventually, I saw a doctor about it, because I hadn’t gotten more then 2 hours of sleep in the past month. They gave me a medication that helped the nightmares go away, but then I turned to sleep as a coping mechanism.  
Sleeping was the only time I wasn’t thinking of Oikawa. Unfortunately, I can’t sleep for more than 14 hours straight. That leaves another 10 hours to be spent thinking of Oikawa, and hating myself.  
Maki came over once, and he suggested that I see a therapist. He was sad about Oikawa’s death, but he just didn’t care about Oikawa like I did, so he didn’t understand what I was going through.  
I forced myself to finish my classes at my new university, but that was the only thing I did. The rest of my time was spent sleeping and drinking. I tried drugs, but found that they only made it worse. I would have hallucinations of Oikawa while I was high, and end up in someone else’s bed.  
Of course, I felt bad for cheating on Oikawa, even if he was dead. So I stopped doing hard drugs, though I still smoke. Maki told me off for that, he said something about it shortening my life, but honestly, that’s kind of the point.  
There isn’t much to live for anymore, because so much of what I wanted to do, I only wanted to do with Oikawa. I’m never going to get married. I’m never going to buy a house with someone. I’m never going to have kids. And I’m never going to grow old with anyone.  
I’m going to die eventually, but when that happens, I will die alone.

Happy Ending  
Iwa’s POV  
Shit, shit, shit, shit. I just got Oikawa’s voice message, and I don’t know what to do. I go to the parental controls app, and map Oikawa’s location. I try to think about where he is near, then it hits me; Oikawa is about a block away from the highest bridge in our city. I have to go stop him.  
I quickly slide on shoes, and take off towards the bridge. I shouldn't have broken up with him. I should have known there was a reason for his rude behavior. If he dies it’s my fault.  
My head floods with a list miles long of all the things I did wrong. I imagine a long piece of parchment with a list of Oikawa’s reasons, and the end of it reads ‘you didn't love me enough’ signed in his blood. Images of Oikawa’s dead body pry into my mind, and while I try to shake them from my mind.  
My lungs are burning for sprinting for so long, but I can’t slow down, Oikawa’s life is on the line. I can’t lose him, not only is he my bestfriend and my boyfriend, but I can't imagine a future without him. In my mind, he’s also my future husband.  
I didn’t change before I left, so I’m absolutely freezing, wearing only a white tank top and a pair of sweatpants. It’s okay though, I didn’t have time to change, if I take too long, Oikawa might have been gone by the time I got there.  
I’m only a few blocks away from the bridge now, and my body is aching. I’m tired, I haven’t eaten, it’s cold, and I’m an emotional wreck. I don’t care about myself right now though, I need to get to Oikawa, and save him. He’s all that matters.  
“What if I can’t convince Oikawa to stay?” I say to myself.  
“What if he doesn’t love me anymore, and I can’t stop him from jumping?” I wonder “No, he said that he would never stop loving me in his voicemail. If I can get to the bridge, then I can talk to Oikawa, and convince him to come down. Then we will talk everything out, and live happily ever after.” I tell myself.  
I keep my head up as the bridge comes into sight. I see a figure standing in the center of the bridge, pushing themselves onto the edge.  
“Oikawa!!” I say, hoping to get his attention. Unfortunately, because I've been running, and the air is thin, my voice comes out as barely more than a whisper. I keep running towards him, flailing my arms, hoping that he notices me.  
“Oikawa!” I shout again. My voice is slightly louder now, but it’s still not loud enough for him to hear. I try to swallow, and then yell again,  
“Oikawa!” This time, he turns to look at me.  
“Iwa-chan, you shouldn’t be here.” he says, tears stream down his red and puffy face.  
“Oikawa, please come down.” I say, reaching out to him. He turns away from me, not taking my hand.  
“I can’t. I have to do this now, or I never will.” Oikawa replies.  
“Then don’t. Stay here with me, Oikawa. I love you, and I don’t want to live without you, please come down.” I say, tears of my own forming  
“Iwa I-” Oikawa starts.  
“Please, please just come here and give me a hug.” I say, holding my arms out to him. Oikawa sighs, but gets down off of the edge and onto the sidewalk. Oikawa walks into my arms and I wrap them around his body, holding him close.  
“I’m so sorry.” I tell Oikawa, “I ignored how you felt for my own convenience, from now on, I’ll pay more attention to you and show more affection.”  
“No Iwa, I’m sorry. It’s not fair for me to put you through all of this. I’ve been selfish and irrational. You’ve always been here for me, and it’s not right for me to always rely on you.”  
“Babe that’s the whole point of a partner. I will always be here for you, no matter what. Now how about we go warm up and talk over a bowl of soup?” I offer. Oikawa nods, and we walk off the bridge together, holding hands. 

10 YEARS LATER  
It’s been ten years since Oikawa’s accident, and since then, he’s gotten much better. He got a therapist, which has helped him a lot, and he and I have worked together to have more conversations about how we feel and what we should do about it.  
We graduated from school together, but Oikawa isn’t using his degree. I work in business, and Oikawa stays at home. I proposed to Oikawa the day of our graduation, and he said yes. Since then, we have bought a house together, and adopted twins. We adopted them when they were only a few months old, and they are six years old now. The twins are named Tobio and Hana.  
Oikawa spends his time at home cooking, teaching the twins how to play volleyball, and writing. I’m really proud of him for finding hobbies that he can apply himself to, and also enjoy. He has gotten really good at cooking, which shows how far he has come from his eating disorder. He eats three full meals a day now, and has gained enough weight that he looks healthy again.  
The twins must have inherited our love for volleyball, because even though they are only six, they love passing with each other in the living room. The twins also love baking cookies and other sweets with Oikawa while I work in the study.  
Being a dad is awesome. It took awhile for me to agree to twins, I thought it was a bit ambitious, but I’m so glad that Oikawa convinced me. Living with him and the twins makes me so happy.  
It’s the little things they do that make my day. The way Oikawa will speak in a British accent whenever he is measuring out ingredients for his food. The way we have a family fashion show every time we go shopping to show off the clothes we got. The way Oikawa rests his head on my shoulder while I read the news in bed with him. Even the way we can just look at each other and laugh. It feels so pure.  
Think Oikawa and I can both agree that this is the happiest the two of us have ever been together.


End file.
